just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
