yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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