i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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