I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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