She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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