she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
