I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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