Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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