What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
