I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
