I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's rum buckets o'clock
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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