hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize