nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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