I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
