We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
