she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
