The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
