if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
