I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
