Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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