my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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