Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
