you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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