there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
