This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
