I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
