My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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