y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
