I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
