So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel like abortions should bother me more
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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