Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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