My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
