i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
