This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize