Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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