I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
