I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
