The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
