So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
