I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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