Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think my moral compass just broke
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