I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
