Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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