How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
