he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
