The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
