When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
