my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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