we have pet lesbian snakes
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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