The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
