Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
