YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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