Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
