You can't special order awesome
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
