apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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