The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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