I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
