the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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