I am midnight drunk by noon
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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