On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
