And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
