There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
