Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
