How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
