at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
