Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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