Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize