i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
